What's Next?

Look at this adorable picture we saw hanging in the doctor office...I had to take a picture and post it! Can you find the baby??

U/s proved to everyone what we already knew. I do indeed have a "blighted ovum" where the baby stopped growing, but the sac continued to grow thinking it was still supporting a viable pregnancy. I haven't had any spotting or cramping because my body still thinks its pregnant. I'll start the m/c drugs tonight and continue taking them 2x a day until I have cramping and bleeding. The drugs have some strong side effects like diarrhea, nausea, headaches, vomiting, stomach pain, etc, but hopefully it wont be too bad for me. I have a pretty high tolerance for medicine so I'm hoping the same will ring true for this drug. I read online that depression is a side effect of this drug, but it wasn't in the leaflet so that's encouraging!!! Doc says the drugs usually work, but if they don't, then we'll go back to the doctor to see the next step, but I'm confident that they'll work. I hope they do.
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It'd be nice to have this over and move on to feeling normal again and stop dragging this out. My friend Kelle had a good analogy when she said it's a like when someone dies, you want to have the funeral right away, but the time in between the actual death and the funeral can be so heartwrenching bc you want that closure of the funeral to grieve and move on the best you can. I guess the funeral will be when the cramping/bleeding stops which should be by the end of this week or early next week. Then I'll wait for a next normal cycle (AF) to begin which will be in 4-6 weeks.
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Friends and family have been so supportive with cards, emails, phone calls, homemade dinners, gift cards to restaurants that have really helped us feel better and so loved and supported!! I said the other day that we feel more loved through all this than we did on our wedding day just to give you a taste of how special and uplifted we feel by everyone's undying support and deep love given to us both!! We are so blessed and will be stronger because of all of this! David and I are holding onto each other tighter than ever and know we have what it takes to see this to the end where we'll be holding our precious children in our arms and appreciate them that much more! Through this tradgedy, we feel more blessed and loved than we ever have! This is not the end. It's just a bump in the road of life, but we have our seatbelts securely fastened and are in the car together with lots of people in the backseat so we don't get lonely on this long road trip! We love you and thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

New Trick

Look what I just learned to do on www.slide.com - it's so easy! I learned it from my friend Jess...cool huh? These are just some pix I could get my hands on....I hope it works!

Next Step...

My numbers are still going up (not by much) and they dont want to start the m/c drugs until they are going down. To expedite this process, they want us to come in for an ultrasound tomorrow at 1:40 to see what's going on. They'll either start the m/c drugs OR setup a D&C bc what's going on inside my uterus might be too far progressed to start the m/c drugs. In essence, we'll know more after the u/s tomorrow...hopefully!! So it's more waiting, but we're used to that by now. I just want this part to be over and move on to feeling normal again...if that's possible!! We love you!

LOOK AT ALL THIS BLOOD THEY TOOK OUT OF ME TODAY! OH MY GAH!!!!!!!! This is ALL my blood and this was all in one sitting! Nurse seemed to have the needle in me for 10 minutes!!! I had to fast b4 these tests so I was feeling very lightheaded afterwards!! I've never seen that much of my blood!! OMG! I still can't believe all those vials! I had to take a picture!!

Oh My Testing!

Click on the above image to enlarge it:

Here's the chromosonal testing David and I have to get done through Dr. Maxson. I had the lab work done today in Naples and the results should be back in a few weeks. Check out this blood order! OMG! That's a lot of tests!! David doesn't have as many tests, but his will return with mine. Hopefully, all these will come back normal and we'd be a candidate for IVF again sometime in the future, but it's too early to tell. We don't want to keep going through this if there are DNA issues with either of us. WOWSA!

Next Step...

I had bloodwork today and will get results tomorrow. I'll probably start the miscarriage meds tomorrow assuming my #'s drop like they should - it will probably be all out of me by the end of the week - what a rollercoaster! My emotions are up and down like a bipolar patient!! I feel like I'm walking around in a fog and I have this heavy weight constantly in my heart. I know it won't be there forever. I know it could be worse. I know I have a lot to be thankful for...I keep focusing on that. It's like an inner mantra I keep repeating to myself all day long. I can't wait to feel normal again!! I can't wait to feel the peace and joy we felt when we were pg and all this weight on our shoulders disappeared. I know it'll happen again!

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I've found music (especially country music) to be very therapeutic for me during this time. My friend Janet Boe gave me the 'Little Big Town' CD which had this gem of a song on it and is incredible!! I wish I could copy and paste the song on here bc the lyrics are great, but it's the song as a whole that is amazing!!!

Little Big Town
Lyrics for Song: Lost

Don't know who I am
Staring at a million broken pieces here
I don't know where I stand
While I'm still, the world goes round
so free so cavalier
Aimlessly I wander,
like a drifter on a narrow winding road
I've got plenty of direction
But I don't know where to go

I'm so lost without you
I'm so lost without you Baby,
I'm so lost without you
That I can't find myself
I'm so lost without you Baby,
I'm so lost without you
I'm so lost without you
That I can't find myself

No it don't seem right
This canyon of lonely lying in our bed
Lord how I've cried a waterfall of tears
Until my eyes turn red
Ever since you left me
It's been like a bullet through my heart
And I know I should move on
But I don't know where to start

I'm so lost without you
I'm so lost without youBaby,
I'm so lost without you
That I can't find myself
I'm so lost without you Baby,
I'm so lost without you
I'm so lost without you
That I can't find myself

Ever since you left me
It's been like a bullet through my heart
And I know I should move on
But I don't know where to start
I'm so lost without you
I'm so lost without you Baby,
I'm so lost without you
That I can't find myself

I'm so lost without you

I'm so lost Baby,
I'm so lost without you
That I can't find myself

My Levels...

Dr. Thompson called me today and said my levels are not doubling like they should, but they're not going down yet. They should double in 2 days, but mine only went up 10% which will not lead to a viable pregnancy, but my body doesnt know to start the miscarriage path just yet.My body is still holding onto the pregnancy, but not very strongly. I feel like it's my heart that's holding onto it and won't let it go. My inner soul won't let it go because it doesn't want to believe it's happening! I still have pg-cy symptoms which feels like a nasty trick! Everyday it will get weaker. It will definitely happen tho so no one is holding onto hope that'll it happen. We've accepted that and are grieving the loss now. He wants me to have more bloodwork and maybe an u/s on Monday. He expects the levels to go down on Monday and he'll start the miscarriage drugs then. He doesnt want to do a D&C, but hopes the pg stops developing on its own. This is all such a nightmare that I want to be over as soon as possible so we can begin to bounce back. We've received SOOOOOOO much love and support it's really unbelieveable! We have soooooooooo many people holding this burden with us and it helps incredibly!! Everyone says they don't know what to do or say, but whatever they're doing is working bc we feel so loved and supported and so lucky during this dark time! We will get through this! We will have our family. We will make sense of this. We will have peace. We love you!!

Bloodwork

There was a mixup at the lab with my bloodwork (long drawn out story), but the short story is the results from my bloodwork won't be back until tomorrow morning (vs today). That's fine bc I already know what it's going to confirm. Nurse said my HCG levels came back SUPER high at 37,000 on Wednesday and with the levels being that high, there should've DEFINITELY been a heartbeat at the ultrasound. We already knew that, but it still stings to hear it. Once I get the results back tomorrow, we'll know what the next step is. All of this just really hurts and I can't believe we're back at square one!! UGH! One way or another, we will have our family and thank you to all for holding us up during this sad time. The "Happy Hutchesons" will return as soon as we can! Time really does help! I hate being sad more than anything!! I want a magic wand!! I love you!!

Another Call from Dr. Maxson

Dr. Maxson called first thing this morning after looking at our results and sees the same thing as Dr. Thompson. He had David and I both on the phone which was very helpful to have 2 sets of ears listening. Basically, he's not holding any hope that a heartbeat will develop because the sac in my uterus is quite large and should have a baby and heartbeat inside of it.

I'm still going to go forward with another u/s & blood test tomorrow to confirm my numbers are dropping then I'll take a drug called Cytotech (sp?) probably next week which will help me naturally miscarry in a faster, safer manner. My body thinks it's still pregnant. We're not going to do the D&C bc there are some risks involved with it such as scar tissue remaining or puncturing the uterus. If for some reason, the Cytotech doesnt work, then we'd have to do a D&C, but the doctors (and D&I) are trying to avoid a D&C bc i've had 2 invasive gynological surgeries and "going in" again can risk future healthy pregnancies.

Then we will both have chromosomal testing to rule out any future serious genetic abnormatlities in David and I. If the tests all come back normal, then it's a higher likelihood that this was a freak thing and will not happen again. This is my first official "miscarriage" as the ectopic pregnancy fell under a different category bc it didnt have a chance to grow normally after being caught in my tube. David and I will probably have the genetic testing next week and it takes 4-6 weeks for the results to return! UGH! So much waiting! From there, we'll meet with Dr. Maxson so he can go over all the genetic testing in detail with us. he has been amazing through all of this and so supportive!

Not surprisingly, we have so many people supporting us through all this! It's so humbling!! We have so many emails that tug at our heartstrings and are so heartfelt! It means so much and helps mend our hearts back together. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts even if we don't respond to your emails. It's hard to know what to say bc we can't even make sense of this ourselves.

We thought this part of our "journey" was over and we were on to bigger and better things and it's shocking to start back at step one. We felt so light and happy knowing that this was behind us and it hurts so much to have this black cloud back in our lives. I know God will never give you more than you can handle and thank God David and I have each other bc we know how to help each other through this and helps unite our bond even more. I know we can handle this. I'm CONVINCED God put David and I together knowing we'd need to have a strong partner in order to navigate this maze together. David has been my rock and soft place to fall at the same time and I think I'm the same for him which is reassuring. We have each other.

We have family.
Amazing family.

We have friends.
Incredible friends.

We have you.
We will have Baby Hutcheson.

Dr. Maxson

My doctor from Margate called me on his cell phone on his way home from work to console us about the news which was very nice! He said our miscarriage has nothing to do with IVF, but just natures way of saying the baby wasn't quite ready to enter the world. It happens in 10-15% of pg-cys at my age and we happened to get the short end of the stick this time!

From Dr. Thompson's notes (my dr in Naples), it looks like I have something called a "blighted ovum" which I'm not sure what it means, but I'm doing research right now to find out. I had a close friend have this so I'm going to inquire with her as well. Here's some more information about this although i'm not 100% sure this is what I have.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

Dr. Maxson was calling from his car so he's going to look at Dr. Thompson's notes and my file and tell us what do next. He says if it is a blighted ovum, he recommends having a D&C to study the embryo for genetic abnormalities and see what went wrong and if there's anything to do to prevent it next time. Here's more info about the D&C procedure:
http://www.webmd.com/hw/womens_conditions/tw1469.asp



I keep crying, but the pain is still just as strong. I know time will help, but it's so unbearable to not be able to cry hard enough. Usually I feel better after a "good cry", but not in this case! I feel like I'm preparing for a funeral and the anticipation of it is just so unbearable. I'm wondering when my body will run out of tears! They just keep coming. I feel like my heart is outside my body bc it doesnt even feel like it's inside me right now - it's like it disappeared or something. I feel like a train ran us over and while it was doing it, it pulled out our hearts. As loved as we are, we know that people are feeling this just as strongly as we are and that hurts us too!

It is VERY difficult to "untell" everyone bc we know the pain is so strong and so many are rooting for us so please forgive us if you found out in a surprising way like a text, email, blog, etc bc it's just to painful to say out loud. I couldnt even call my sister and say the words. I know it'll get easier with time, but right now it feels very raw and brutal.

I'll post more tomorrow after Dr. Maxson calls me with the update. We'll probably have a D&C later this week or next; not sure if that'll be here or in Margate. Insurance should cover it, but may not if we go to Margate. Lots of questions and not a lot of answers.

With IVF costing around $15K, we're not sure which route to take next, but we'll probably take a lot of months off to grieve and recover from this before making any decisions as what to do next. It's too painful to "fast forward" what to do next bc we just don't know so please avoid the tempation to ask. We just don't know. It hurts too much to think about that when we can hardly wrap our brains around this. We know in the end, we will have a family, naturally or through adoption, but just not as soon as we had dreamed.

We will get through this and be ok...i know it! This will only strengthen our bond with each other and make us that better of parents. Just because we are hurting doesn't mean we've given up hope. We have each other. W/o that we'd both be lost! We have family helping us carry this burden. We have friends that love us like family. We have people in our life that make this all bearable. David and I have each other and for that I'm forever grateful! Baby Hutcheson will be VERY special and loved when he/she enters this world; no matter how or when it happens!

We love you and thank you for caring for us! Please keep praying!

Sad Day! :(

It is with a very heavy and sad heart that I need to tell you the u/s was the worst case scenario-the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat-it's pretty much over from here on out - they drew my blood today and will do it again on thursday to confirm what the doctor already knows - for the size of the sac in my uterus, there should be a heartbeat - the doctors, nurses, u/s tech were all very sad for us -there's about a 5% chance that a heartbeat could still develop, but Im not hopeful for that nor was the doctor. that just leads to further disappointment. I will naturally miscarry in a week or 2, but I may have to have a surgery/procedure called D&C to have it removed if it doesnt on its own-to say we're devastated is an understatement. we feel like we got run over by a train. I'm so sorry for being the bearer of bad news and for making you sad. Thank you for caring and praying. please pray that we can find peace through all this pain.

Ultrasound Tomorrow!

Here's a picture of all the magazines I had stuffed under my bed from last pg-cy that I just recently pulled out. Last time we were pg, I got subscriptions right away to pg-cy mags and obviously didnt need them so I'd turn them upside down every month when they arrived bc they were such a unfriendly reminder every month. Then I'd throw them under my bed knowing I'd need them sometime! It's nice to finally be able to peruse through them.

We have our 2nd ultrasound tomorrow and we may hear the heartbeat! You always hear the heartbeat by 8 weeks, but I'll only be 6 weeks 6 days tomorrow so it's not guaranteed, but it sure would be nice!! I'm feeling a little nervous bc I want everything to go right, but I've been having some typical pg-cy symptoms so I feel good about that! It feels good to feel bad! (ie nauseous) ha ha My favorite part of the day is when I feel sicky. That's when I feel the most peace and everything is OK! It's almost as if the baby is kicking inside my tummy! I'll be sure to post asap tomorrow as many are anxious to hear the results as are we!! Our appt is at 2:50, but we ALWAYS have to wait; especially for the later appointments. I wouldn't be surprised if we're there over 2 hours for a 20 minute appointment!! Good thing I like to do Soduku puzzles now!! David is just learning too so he helps me over my shoulder.
Please keep praying for a happy and healthy Baby Hutcheson!!

Pregnancy Party!

Some friends threw me a "THANK GOD SHE'S FINALLY PREGNANT" party last week! It was so nice and thoughtful! Blew me out of the water to say the least!! It still hasn't truly hit me that we're pg so I would look around and think, "who is this party for?" and then realized the answer was ME! There are so many people on this roller coaster with us that I think it's nice for everyone to have some relief and steady ground for this ride!!!! PLEASE Keep praying!!

Ticker!

Look what I made on www.lilypie.com - you can create one for just about anything!! It automatically updates it daily to match the new timeline :)

Everything Is "Perfect"!!!!!

CHECK OUT OUR BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All went well today! Our dr. is VERY happy with our first u/s!!!!! When he's happy, we're happy! When the lady stuck the u/s wand, both of our hearts stopped for a moment bc we were so worried we were going to see a blank screen and quiet dr. and u/s tech, but it was there right away and they were THRIIIIIILLED! Everyone was cheering!! What a relief!! Our little peanut is nicely snuggled into my uterus and my lining is thick and sticky due to the shots so he/she is not going anywhere. He said to take it REALLY easy the next few weeks and rest, rest, rest!! That's not a problem to me bc I'm super tired! I love that "rest" is dr's orders!!! I'm measuring 5 weeks, 3 days and our due date is 10/10!! We have a due date! OMG! It's so official with the due date!!! We'll go back in 2 weeks to our regular doctor and hopefully hear the heartbeat then. It might be too early, but hopefully not! Thanks for caring and praying! I truly believe in the power of prayer....please keep praying that everything goes as planned from here on out!! It's a TRUE MIRACLE!!!!!!!

Group Power Girls

Group Power is a class at the gym that a lot of girls go to (I used to go too until being pg), but they met at Calistoga beforehand to have coffee - I broke the news and tears were flowing in the caffeine!!!

Can you tell by the smiles we're a little happy! :) :)

Telling Mom and Molly...

We told Mom and Molly outside of the Fertility Clinic!! They thought we were meeting there to have bloodwork done and find out if we were pg on the spot! They were nervous wrecks! Pretty nervous wrecks!! Little did they know that we already knew and just came to tell them in person!! As we were walking in, I pretended to get so nervous and couldnt go in. David put his arm around me like he was coaxing me to go in. Then I broke the news! We didnt even need to go inside because we already knew we were pg!! They bursted into tears and Molly hugged me so hard, I thought my eyes were going to pop out! Then she started spinning me round and round like I was on the teacups at Disney World! We couldve been on the "Dancing With the Stars" the way we were swinging around that parking lot! My mom was so weak and cried so hard that I almost felt badly for her for holding all this in! My parents always say, "You're only as happy as your saddest child!" and it was such a weight off their shoulders!! We went to lunch and mom cried most of the time!!

David wanted to wear his special shirt again...here's a good shot of it :)

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Here's the picture that made this ALL POSSIBLE!!!...

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FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! WE NEVER SEE THE "PLUS SIGN" ON PG TESTS! NEVER!! (wiping brow)

Telling the Briggs Family :)

Telling my sister and family...Jen was a wreck! A pretty wreck!! Check out David's shirt!! You can see I'm pulling at it so you can read it...it says, "It is what it is"...his motto that has given us both so much peace through all this!!

Telling!

Telling people we're pg is like going around with Ed McMahon in the prize patrol van!! People are so genuinely excited for us and it is SOOO touching!! My Godmother, Jan Heiser sent us these balloons and baby's breath to my school!! Aren't they adorable?? They lost some of the helium by the time I took the picture, but what a surprise this was!! I'll post more pictures from telling. Wish us luck and PRAY HARD for a happy u/s tomorrow at 7:45 in Margate. I hope he/she/they are snuggled up right where they should be!!

FIRST ULTRASOUND FRIDAY!!

Friday is on my mind quite a bit because it is our first ultrasound where they make sure that the pregnancy is in the uterus and not outside making it an ectopic pregnancy. "Ectopic" just meeans 'outside the uterus". Pregnancies can begin in your uterus, but be sucked into your tubes, grow in your abdomen, around your ovaries, etc. They said IVF lowers your chances of ectopic bc they bypass the tubes, but there is still a chance the young embies could get sucked into the tubes early on. Because I have issues with my tubes is the reason we decided to go with IVF so we're REALLY hoping and praying it isn't an ectopic.

We had an ectopic in 9/05' and it was incredibly painful, scary, and heartbreaking to say the least. We found out about it at our first heartwrenching u/s so I can't help to so there in my mind and think about it as we head into our first u/s. I'm scared, but we're staying cautiously optimistic! I want to break through this first u/s and reach our first milestone!! KEEP PRAYING!!!!!! I strongly believe in the power of prayer and know that is the reason we're pregnant today! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Since the news is "out", it's so exciting to relive our happiness and share our joy with everyone who are equally as excited! I'm blown away by people's reactions and how they share in our enthusiasm!! It's very humbling and just reiterates to me everyday how loved and lucky we are!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

I can't believe I'm even typing these words...

"WE ARE PREGNANT"!!!

YES!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

David and I are overjoyed with love, happiness, relief, and excitement!! We keep pinching each other to make sure we're not dreaming!!!! The power of prayer is INCREDIBLE!!
We have our first u/s on Friday where they'll see that everything is in the right spot. We know it's still very early, but HAD to share the good news with those who have been on this crazy roller coaster with us the entire time!! Please keep praying that all of our bloodtests, ultrasounds, heartbeats, timelines and dr. visits go just as normal as possible!! We love you and couldnt do ANY of this without you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!