Sunday, September 07, 2008

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart lately knowing that September 8th is here. Since Lily has been born, this is the date I would never say out loud and didn't want to think about. Now it's showing up on milk jugs, movie premiere commercials, upcoming seasons are starting on 9/8, and people mention it like it's just another ordinary day. Well, this date has different meaning to me.

It's the day my maternity leave is up and I have to back to work. I truly LOVE my job and feel so lucky to do what I do. I just wish I could bring Lily with me. I think she'd help kids feel better and have a jolly time being the school mascot, but I don't make the rules.

I feel like I'll be a better counselor because I'm a mom now and see things with a whole new perspective, but I know it'll be tough on me. Tougher on me than it will be on Lily. Since being in utero, we've been together all day, everyday for the last 14-15 months. Lily is an extension of me. She is like my right arm. Left arm too. Throw my legs in there too. So someone is taking away my arms and legs, sending me to work, without a wheelchair, and expecting me to be productive, cheerful, helpful, efficient and just ignore the fact that I don't have arms and legs. Hmm, don't know how I'll do it, but am trying to stay positive and make this transition as smooth as possible for my little heart.

I've been through much harder things in life; especially in my quest for Lily and I feel so blessed to be even in this situation "as a mom".

I'm a mom.

Something I didn't even know would be possible one day. I'm a mom. I'd work 5 jobs if I had to just to have Lily in my life. For years, I begged the universe to be a mom. Made deals with the universe and promised I'd handle anything that came my way. I knew when we went through IVF#2, this is what I was signing up for so now it's time to pay the piper. Literally.

I know there are a lot of things to be positive about and I say these to myself daily:

I know moms go back to work all of the time.

I know she is in the best hands possible.

I know some days will be harder than others.

I know some days will be easier than others.

I know this'll be a blip on my radar with Lily.

I know it'll be neat for David and Lily to have their special time in the morning getting ready.

I know I will get into a routine.

I know I am lucky summer fell when it did and I was able to stay home so long.

I know I have to work.

I know she feels loved when she is with me.

I know she feels loved when she is without me.

I know we are the luckiest parents to have Kelle watch Lily.

I know IVF is what got her here, but also a reason I have to go back to work.

I know I have the best job in the world.

I know I have supportive bosses who want me to put family first.

I know I have the best hours anyone could ask for working in the school system.

I know I have a rock solid support system of family and friends.

I know I will think about Lily around the clock.

I know my work will have new meaning because of Lily.

I know Lily will be fine. I really know this.

I know I'll be a better counselor.

I know I'll see life and work through a different set of glasses.

I know Lily sleeps a lot during the day.

I know I'm lucky to be a mom and even be in this situation.

I know I'm lucky to have a stable job in this economy.

I know the days will fly by because I'm so busy at work.

I know I'll get into a routine and it'll become my 'new normal'.

I know we have vacations at every turn.

I know my quality time with Lily will now fly through the roof.

I know Lainey will be such a good role model for Lily.

I know what I'm feeling is normal.

I know I will be more present with Lily when I am with her.

I know I will cry.

I know she is with family while I'm at work.

I know I'll be working without the emptiness I felt when I was trying to get pregnant.

I know it'll be hard to balance it all like I do now.

I know this will be harder on me than it will be on Lily.

I know I shouldn't look the gift horse in the mouth.

I know this will make me love her even more. (if that's possible)

I know my life is better because of Lily.

I know I'll be looking at this a lot.

I know all of this and it really helps me, but it is still really hard.

I've thought about going back to work for so long. I want to rip the band aid off already and get into a routine and have things in working order. But, that's now how life goes. Change and transition has always been hard for me. I have so much to be thankful for and I hope this post doesn't come off as complaining or whining. I'm trying to talk myself through something I've never done before and my heart hurts thinking about it.

So if you see me Monday, please don't laugh at me because I'm missing my arms and legs and don't draw attention to it. I'll be ok as long as you can wheel me around a little bit until my prosthetics are ready. I heard they take awhile to be manufactured. teehee

Can't wait to see this face at the end of everyday. My life has new meaning now...

Life is Good. xoxo


Steph said...

Oh, Kelly! This is beautiful post. Your words are so sweet, and I know your heart is so sad. You're right, Lily is going to be in the best possible hands! I can't imagine what you're going through! I will be thinking of the three of you!

Naples Avon Lady said...


You have such a pecious way with words and such a wonderful love of this precious gift from God! You are an awesome counselor and I know all the kids will be so glad to see you back at school! Leaving a child you've waited so long for is one of the hardest things a mom has to do...thank you for sharing your heart with us! Just remember that joy shared is doubled...but sorrow shared is divided - so, you just divided your sorrow by so many people who are reading your blog and will be lifting you up in prayer on your first day back! :)

Let me know if there's anything I can do to make your first day back a little easier. I may not be there as a "regular" anymore, but I'm not that far away and willing to make "guest appearances" on occasion! ;)

Take it easy your first day and give yourself time to takes time to learn to function without your arms and legs! ;)

God bless you!
Krazy Kara

jennygirl said...

I have butterflies in my tummy for you today. This brings me back to each time I went back to work with each of my babies. It is hard. Heartbreaking. And my heart is breaking again, because I am going through it again with you and Lily.

I love how you are focusing on so many positive thoughts about going back to work. All of them are true, and those thoughts are a testament to your strength, your courage, and what an incredible Mother you are.

That is the kind of thinking that helped you and David endure four years of the infertility roller coaster. And they are going to help you through the coming days...I am certain of that. You are SO strong, and I admire that in you more than I can express.

Part of your strength lies in the fact that you know it's fine, and absolutely normal, to be sad about this. It's OK to cry about this and wish it away. Every Mom does. You will let yourself feel it all, and you will be fine, and even stronger for it. I know this.

You were born to be a Mom, Kelly.
And now you are. Hold on to that.

And I promise...this is going to be OK.

I love you so much, and I am here for you every step of the way.


Steph C said...

You are a wonderful mother Kelly I am amazed at you every time I spend time with Lily. You are not complaining at all you always appreciate life so much but leaving your sweetheart to go to work is new for you. But as you said it will be the new normal and Lily will be in the best hand ever! But it is ok to cry, and to be sad and to take time to adjust to your new normal. I am here if you need anything at all! I love you and will be thinking and praying for you! Your strenght and postive attitude will get through. xoxoxo

Rayna said...

I know you are a wonderful mother,
I know you are an extremely strong woman,
I know your heart is breaking...
I know you'll get through it.

Yes, it truly SUCKS!!! But, from experience...your days fly by because you cannot wait to get home and see that little person that honestly loves you more than life itself.

I will be there to give you a little push, a hug, a shoulder, whatever you need.

Love you!

anna said...

Oh Kelly, I hope your first few days back at school are great. Expect them to be a blur with half your head (or more!) back at home with your angel. I know mine was. I know I cried on my way to work those first few days. But it gets easier each day. Honestly, I feel like I'm a better mother now because I'm back at work. Balancing work (especially caring for others at work like we both do!) and lovinig your munchkin will truly make you a better person, or so I believe! Good luck...I'll be thinkin of you!

cjs said...

this is a good thing! it's all in how you look at it, for real! think of all she will learn by your working...independence. a strong work ethic. mom and dad working as a team :o). time efficiency. maintaining a sense of self...and more! not to mention, all the socialization she'll get, learning to share, etc.! you could not ask for a better job as a mom! teaching has got to be the most conducive job to family life! This is going to be a GREAT WEEK! Think of the delayed gratification you'll experience every day! Part of what makes life so sweet is having things to look forward to...can you think of anything better than looking forward to picking up lilypie?!? :o)

thinking of you will do awesome. I mean, come on. you're kelly hutcheson :o)

Jessica said...

Kelly - I know how tough today is going to be on you...but I swear that it will get easier! I have done this twice now and dreaded going back to work SO much. I have to be honest, the first day just plain SUCKS. Tears were flowing constantly from me...but after that it got so much better. And just wait until you see Lily when you pick her will be the best!! I am sure she will be all smiles for mommy!

jen said...

yep...everything that you said. and everything that your lovely friends have said.

it sucks. sometimes sucks even more when you are in a position where you see the "difficult" in kids. i worry about it too.

this is a definite cause for a super-mommy cape.

and... (i'm assuming) isn't it nice to have an office (rather than a classroom) where you can kinda close the door and cry sometimes? expect tears. even when you pick her up at the end of the day.

and, i can't wait to hear how wonderful the end of the day was.

Tisha said...

I love what you wrote, every word is so true. Just imagine HOW excited she (and you) will be when you pick her up after school. Watching their little faces light up when they see you after a long day is the best.

justineh said...

I know personally how hard it is to go back to work. I was lucky I could take Lola to work with me everyday (it lasted 3 mths then got to hard as I could not play with her as much) I am lucky to have found a great situation for her in a home daycare and you are very lucky to have a great friend take care of her. Just think of that smile you will get each day from her when you collect her, your heart with melt more than it ever has before. Hugs
Justine & Lola

Samantha said...

Holy tears!!!! You are such an amazing mother and you are doing anything but complaining. You have such a great outlook on things and I love you analogies!! I swear, you put things so into perspective. You are unbelieveable and I love that little angel of yours!

dig this chick said...

Oh hell. I am crying. It is hard and feels so wrong but it really, eventually, is OK. Good even.

My tears started when you returned and typed "I am a mom."

You are. And you rock. And Lily is fabulous. And you are so right that your time together will be much more present than you thought possible.

Hug from Montana. And a kiss. On Lily's little strawberry spot under her right eye.

Meagan N. Harris said...

Hang in there Kelly... each day will get a little easier and YES... you will be EVEN MORE present when you are with Lily! oh - just noticed the above comment said the same thing about being present. Well, it's true.

Heidi said...

this post makes me both sad and glad. (hey, that rhymes)
sad because i know the pain in your heart and i hurt with you.

glad only because you used this pain to see the positive, lovely reasons why you will be okay as will lily. your words put such a positive spin on life. i learn so much from you. I LOVE the list kell. truly inspiring. i am printing this out and plan on sharing it with other moms that painfully return to work...i know your words would help.
you really should write a book. maybe a stout sisters and jenn have this parenting thing down!!!
love you.

Mountain Girl said...

I hope school is going well. I'm sure you and Lily miss each other. I hope it's not too hard for you.