Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart lately knowing that September 8th is here. Since Lily has been born, this is the date I would never say out loud and didn't want to think about. Now it's showing up on milk jugs, movie premiere commercials, upcoming seasons are starting on 9/8, and people mention it like it's just another ordinary day. Well, this date has different meaning to me.

It's the day my maternity leave is up and I have to back to work. I truly LOVE my job and feel so lucky to do what I do. I just wish I could bring Lily with me. I think she'd help kids feel better and have a jolly time being the school mascot, but I don't make the rules.

I feel like I'll be a better counselor because I'm a mom now and see things with a whole new perspective, but I know it'll be tough on me. Tougher on me than it will be on Lily. Since being in utero, we've been together all day, everyday for the last 14-15 months. Lily is an extension of me. She is like my right arm. Left arm too. Throw my legs in there too. So someone is taking away my arms and legs, sending me to work, without a wheelchair, and expecting me to be productive, cheerful, helpful, efficient and just ignore the fact that I don't have arms and legs. Hmm, don't know how I'll do it, but am trying to stay positive and make this transition as smooth as possible for my little heart.

I've been through much harder things in life; especially in my quest for Lily and I feel so blessed to be even in this situation "as a mom".

I'm a mom.

Something I didn't even know would be possible one day. I'm a mom. I'd work 5 jobs if I had to just to have Lily in my life. For years, I begged the universe to be a mom. Made deals with the universe and promised I'd handle anything that came my way. I knew when we went through IVF#2, this is what I was signing up for so now it's time to pay the piper. Literally.

I know there are a lot of things to be positive about and I say these to myself daily:

I know moms go back to work all of the time.

I know she is in the best hands possible.

I know some days will be harder than others.

I know some days will be easier than others.

I know this'll be a blip on my radar with Lily.

I know it'll be neat for David and Lily to have their special time in the morning getting ready.

I know I will get into a routine.

I know I am lucky summer fell when it did and I was able to stay home so long.

I know I have to work.

I know she feels loved when she is with me.

I know she feels loved when she is without me.

I know we are the luckiest parents to have Kelle watch Lily.

I know IVF is what got her here, but also a reason I have to go back to work.

I know I have the best job in the world.

I know I have supportive bosses who want me to put family first.

I know I have the best hours anyone could ask for working in the school system.

I know I have a rock solid support system of family and friends.

I know I will think about Lily around the clock.

I know my work will have new meaning because of Lily.

I know Lily will be fine. I really know this.

I know I'll be a better counselor.

I know I'll see life and work through a different set of glasses.

I know Lily sleeps a lot during the day.

I know I'm lucky to be a mom and even be in this situation.

I know I'm lucky to have a stable job in this economy.

I know the days will fly by because I'm so busy at work.

I know I'll get into a routine and it'll become my 'new normal'.

I know we have vacations at every turn.

I know my quality time with Lily will now fly through the roof.

I know Lainey will be such a good role model for Lily.

I know what I'm feeling is normal.

I know I will be more present with Lily when I am with her.

I know I will cry.

I know she is with family while I'm at work.

I know I'll be working without the emptiness I felt when I was trying to get pregnant.

I know it'll be hard to balance it all like I do now.

I know this will be harder on me than it will be on Lily.

I know I shouldn't look the gift horse in the mouth.

I know this will make me love her even more. (if that's possible)

I know my life is better because of Lily.

I know I'll be looking at this a lot.

I know all of this and it really helps me, but it is still really hard.

I've thought about going back to work for so long. I want to rip the band aid off already and get into a routine and have things in working order. But, that's now how life goes. Change and transition has always been hard for me. I have so much to be thankful for and I hope this post doesn't come off as complaining or whining. I'm trying to talk myself through something I've never done before and my heart hurts thinking about it.

So if you see me Monday, please don't laugh at me because I'm missing my arms and legs and don't draw attention to it. I'll be ok as long as you can wheel me around a little bit until my prosthetics are ready. I heard they take awhile to be manufactured. teehee

Can't wait to see this face at the end of everyday. My life has new meaning now...


Life is Good. xoxo