Tuesday, September 18, 2007

12 Weeks Tomorrow....

OMG! So tomorrow is 12 weeks! I've been using the doppler daily and the heartbeat is going strong!! Averaging about 160 BPM which is music to my ears!! I'm assuming everything is going ok and will find out for sure on 9/27 for our dr. appt with our real doctor and the beloved u/s! Can't wait to see our peanut next Thursday!! Then I'll feel some relief right???????????

We also stop the shots tomorrow! GULP! I thought I'd be SO excited for that day, but it terrifies me because it's like not taking my prenatal vitamins all of a sudden in my mind! Which I would never do!! What if our peanut loves and needs those shots every night?

Maxson told us it's OK to stop at 10 weeks and Thompson told us to stop at 12 weeks so we're stopping at 12 which was fine with Maxson as you can't "OD" on progesterone. Hate when docs don't agree. It still scares me to stop. I'm kinda forced to stop them tho bc David is leaving town (weep, weep) on Thursday to go see his parents. I wanted to go too, but we thought it was better I didn't fly right now. I can't give the shots to myself even tho I may be tempted! tee hee

David and I ventured into (deep breath) Toys-R-Us this weekend! We went for the sole purpose "JUST TO LOOK" at baby stuff. It was surprisingly empty which made it harder to blend in. It seemed every employee asked us if we needed help and I QUICKLY responded, "No thank you, we're just browsing" and I almost continued and lied saying we were there for a friend, our niece, a shower, anything to cover up our reason for being there!! They were gone before I could lie to cover up. I felt insecure in there and overwhelmed by all the stuff in there!! I felt like I was at a middle school dance, but was only really in elementary school sneaking in!!

I even started looking online at bedding!! My walls are crumbling!! I'm cracking like an egg. I dont like to say "it hasn't hit me" bc that's too cliche and not what is happening...nothing could be further from the truth; I think about it all of the time. I should say "I'm scared for it to hit me" bc it might be a nasty prickly, thorn ridden stick!! It's self protection, but it's not working and I'm lying to myself.

I feel like I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years where I had to go the women's shelter a bunch of times, but kept going back to the man to the point I thought he might kill me! Then we broke up and I met someone dreamy who is so in love with me in a healthy way, not in a stalker-send-you-to-the-shelter way, sends me flowers at work, writes nice cards, my family loves him, he comes froma great family, he says all the right things, needs me, but isnt needy, makes me laugh, but doesnt laugh at me and thinks I walk on water in his own way, but guess what? I'm scared to fall in love again bc what if I get sent to the shelter again? That was a miserable place where I had no sheets, woke up to linoleum cold floors, it was dark, dreary and everyone walked around beaten and bruised! Literally! That's the best way to describe it! I wish I never went to that shelter, but am glad I did in a way to treasure the joy I'm scared to admit that I feel!! I'm filling out a change of address form today so the shelter can't ever find me!

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Yaheee for being able to stop the shots! :) Your little peanut is fine now since around 10 weeks the placenta takes over and starts making progesterone for the pregnancy (instead of your own hormones). What a great milestone!! :)