Email to Mom!

Here's an email I sent to my mom in March 2006 on a particularly tough day - I'm sure you can relate with this if you are a parent or want to be someday!!!!

From: Kelly Hutcheson
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 12:52 PM
To: Mary Stout
Subject: RE: stress tip
I just feel a sense of hallowness. I can't really describe it, but I feel like the world is just spinning around and around and life is going around me so quickly, but I'm just at a standstill. Does that make any sense? It's kinda like when your dad died and you left the funeral and the world was still going at rapid fire and you wanted to yell, "Do you people know that my dad just died?" I kinda feel that way. Not that I want to yell it from the rooftops, but like everyone is moving forward with their big plans and D and I are stuck.

Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I have so many blessings in my life; especially D. He truly is someone special. He has such a heart in him where he can be my rock, but also my soft place to fall at the same moment. He is my ultimate best friend because we have SO much fun together and our day to day life is low stress, high rewards...what every little girl dreams of when they think of their husband. I just imagine going through an ounce of this with someone else and it makes me shudder at the thought and that much grateful for choosing david to spend my life with.

For that, I am forever grateful and try to show it to David everyday so he always knows. When I hear that song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" By Garth, I know that he'll know he was loved for who he was. We have so much to be thankful in our lives for and I know that at the end of this journey, we'll have our babies one way or another, but the road there hurts so deeply I can't even describe it. I just KNOW Im going to be such a good mom and David is going to be an incredible daddy. We won't be perfect, but our kids will feel loved just like we felt growing up. I just can't wait to prove that to God and myself. I'm not fearful of motherhood at all! I'm really not.

I can't wait to smell our babies, hold them, kiss them, love them, watch them, marinate them in love, have picnics with them, take them to the park, sing happy birthday, snuggle with them, put them in their carseat, watch David play with them, pray with them at night, take pictures of them, talk about them at parties, help them with their homework, take them to church, go on vacation with them, take them out to eat with us, cook dinners, do fun projects, play sports with them, and just teach them to be a really, really good good person; all the things I learned in life from you and dad and I know I can do it and do it well. I just feel like I have this yearning coming out from every fiber in my being to be so good at what I was born to be!

But, yet, I'm being deprived of that for the reason that I can't understand! It's weird because this has been THEEE hardest 3 years of my entire life, but also the happiest because I feel so settled in my life with my job, my friends, with David and he's so happy with where he is in his life so I'm wondering how to fill in the blanks and come up empty everytime! I just don't understand it. I want to. I want to get the bigger lesson in all this and know that I will when it's all over, but the insecure part of me worries that there isn't an end to this roller coaster; that we'll never have our own children and that scares me half to death.
WOW! I just unloaded a lot on you!! I love you mom! Thank you for always making me feel loved growing up!!!!