Julie!

She is in my body feeling every emotion. She made this picture to show she even feels my emotions when I'm in the dunk tank!!!! LOL

1/5/07

We had to move our appt by one day to start everything to Friday, 1/5/07 at 7am in Margate so both D and I could be there - 1/4 wasn't working out too good for either of us with appts, conferences, meetings, etc!!

PS "5" is my lucky number!!!

PPS This is when timelines are given, injections, meds, etc begin!!

HOWIE MANDEL!!

My friend Judi Eber saw Howie Mandel this weekend at her hubbie's christmas party where he did standup and did everything in her power to get Howie this letter!! Well, she was successful!! She got it to his head security guard and he promised Howie would read this letter!!!! Can you imagine??
THANKS TO JUDI for doing this for Baby Hutcheson! And thanks to Kelle for helping with the incredible writing!!

Dear Handsome Howie,

They say money doesn't buy happiness, but you haven't heard my story. No, I don't want a house. I don't want a car or a fancy wardrobe of even a trip to a far-off island. I know that happiness does not reside in temporal things, and I've learned through the experiences in my life that true happiness comes from the people you love.

How does money factor into this? In my situation, money can buy the person I love...the dream and hope of a baby my husband and I have longed to have in our arms for years, but we can't.

I have been a school counselor and teacher for 11 years and have helped so many children, but in the back of my mind, I’ve always been hurting for my own. I know you get so much joy from your 3 children and my husband and I want to share in that same magic. We are going through In Vitro Fertilization, but need to “make a deal” with you to help pay for the endless doctor visits, medicine and cost of In Vitro Fertilization that insurance does not cover one penny.

I have been a fan of Deal or No Deal and I have hope that you will read this and consider us. I’ve formally applied to the show, but wanted you to read this and see us and our hearts...anything for a small chance of getting our Baby to hold in our arms. We have so much love to give and need your help to let it pour out of our hearts & souls!

Love, Kelly & David Hutcheson

Miracle Workers!!

Here's our doctor...Dr. Maxson! I thought he was kinda goofy looking at first, but he's SO nice and knowledgeable! He's funny too!! We had a lot in common because he plays soccer too and was impressed that David and I liked sports so much!! We bonded big time!!


Here's the outside of the building that is COMPLETELY DEDICATED TO IVF!! The entire building is all about IVF and Maxson's practice! He's the king pin and has 5 doctors under him. Love having the boss as our dr!! :)


This is where we spend a lot of time waiting!! Actually, it's been pretty good so far, but I'm sure we'll be reading MANY magazines in the waiting room! It's very "state of the art" feeling when you're there!! :)


Here are all the meds! They're on display like they're exquisite jewels! They are so valuable because they help make all of our dreams come true!!

Timing

i just spoke to the dr. office about timing of everything so hold onto your hats for this one....lots of surprising info to me..

once we have our next big appt on Thursday, 1/4/07, they said I could be on the shots for as little as 3-5 days before the egg retrieval!!!!!!!!!! What the?? I thought I'd be on these shots for a few weeks before the egg retrieval!

The IVF steps are like this: 1. Birth Control 2. Shots 3. Egg Retrieval(take my eggs out ) 4. Implantation 5. Pregnancy Test

So that means, I could start shots on 1/4 and have my egg retrieval as early as 1/7 !!! What the?? They said everything depends on how my body reacts to the injections and that's why I have daily ultrasounds/ bloodwork done. Of course, I'll have more shots after the egg retrieval, but they'll be different shots.

wait....there's more...they said once the egg retrieval happens, I WILL have the implantation for sure in 3-5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is all so fast! I really thought it was a MUCH longer process!!! OMG! I'm freaking out and dont know why...it's so freaking short!!

It seems like the longest time is in between the implantation and the pg test (sigh) where I'll be on different shots....sounds like it's about 4 weeks on shots altogether from the first one to the pg test...then I'll have 10 more weeks of shots after a + pg test which WILL happen!! (staying "positive")
Thanks for caring!!!!!!!

Support!

My Friend Kelle just wrote us this congratulations email about making this decision - she has a way of writing just how we're feeling!!

Kelly, David, and Baby Hutcheson,
So, I guess they don't make cards that say "Congratulations on your courageous decision to do invitro"...I looked, and they don't. But, Hallmark is pretty smart because there really are not words that a 4x6 piece of paper could contain to express the emotion that your decision involves.
First of all, it's courage...to take on the amazing feat that is ahead...to accept the emotional, physical, financial and psychological journey that is no doubt in store for you.
Second, it is sacrifice...to put yourselves through pain for the sake of the loved little baby that is in store for you.
Finally, it is hope...so much beautiful hope for a celebration that I know is eventually at the end of this road regardless of how long it is. My heart is happy for the hope that must be burning inside both of you right now...hope feels so good, doesn't it??!!!
It's like Christmas Eve and you know Santa is coming....you're not sure what house he's visiting at that moment or how many houses are along the way between where he is and where you are, but you know he's coming to your house eventually...you can just feel it.
My heart is also happy for the relief you must feel...to "just do it" as Nike says...take the leap and know that it is for the better. What an exciting time! Some babies start out in cribs...some in mangers...some in petri dishes...but the best begin in the hearts of their mommies and daddies! Congratulations on The Amazing Race you are about to begin...may the hope of this beautiful dream carry you through to the Amazing Finish Line! Hip Hip Hurray for Baby Hutcheson!
xoxo
Kelle Hampton

Email to Mom!

Here's an email I sent to my mom in March 2006 on a particularly tough day - I'm sure you can relate with this if you are a parent or want to be someday!!!!

From: Kelly Hutcheson
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 12:52 PM
To: Mary Stout
Subject: RE: stress tip
I just feel a sense of hallowness. I can't really describe it, but I feel like the world is just spinning around and around and life is going around me so quickly, but I'm just at a standstill. Does that make any sense? It's kinda like when your dad died and you left the funeral and the world was still going at rapid fire and you wanted to yell, "Do you people know that my dad just died?" I kinda feel that way. Not that I want to yell it from the rooftops, but like everyone is moving forward with their big plans and D and I are stuck.

Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I have so many blessings in my life; especially D. He truly is someone special. He has such a heart in him where he can be my rock, but also my soft place to fall at the same moment. He is my ultimate best friend because we have SO much fun together and our day to day life is low stress, high rewards...what every little girl dreams of when they think of their husband. I just imagine going through an ounce of this with someone else and it makes me shudder at the thought and that much grateful for choosing david to spend my life with.

For that, I am forever grateful and try to show it to David everyday so he always knows. When I hear that song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" By Garth, I know that he'll know he was loved for who he was. We have so much to be thankful in our lives for and I know that at the end of this journey, we'll have our babies one way or another, but the road there hurts so deeply I can't even describe it. I just KNOW Im going to be such a good mom and David is going to be an incredible daddy. We won't be perfect, but our kids will feel loved just like we felt growing up. I just can't wait to prove that to God and myself. I'm not fearful of motherhood at all! I'm really not.

I can't wait to smell our babies, hold them, kiss them, love them, watch them, marinate them in love, have picnics with them, take them to the park, sing happy birthday, snuggle with them, put them in their carseat, watch David play with them, pray with them at night, take pictures of them, talk about them at parties, help them with their homework, take them to church, go on vacation with them, take them out to eat with us, cook dinners, do fun projects, play sports with them, and just teach them to be a really, really good good person; all the things I learned in life from you and dad and I know I can do it and do it well. I just feel like I have this yearning coming out from every fiber in my being to be so good at what I was born to be!

But, yet, I'm being deprived of that for the reason that I can't understand! It's weird because this has been THEEE hardest 3 years of my entire life, but also the happiest because I feel so settled in my life with my job, my friends, with David and he's so happy with where he is in his life so I'm wondering how to fill in the blanks and come up empty everytime! I just don't understand it. I want to. I want to get the bigger lesson in all this and know that I will when it's all over, but the insecure part of me worries that there isn't an end to this roller coaster; that we'll never have our own children and that scares me half to death.
WOW! I just unloaded a lot on you!! I love you mom! Thank you for always making me feel loved growing up!!!!

Computer Help!

If you're wondering why you're not seeing our most updated blog, it's probably bc your computer has kept an old version of this blog in its "cache" or "using old cookies" so I have the solution to remedy that...open up the blog, then hold down the control key on your keyboard WHILE hitting the refresh button on your screen. (In AOL, it's the circular arrow at the top)

You could also try opening the blog in Internet Explorer.
Clearing your cache on a regular basis will help this problem and on other sites...here's more info:

Here's how you clear your cache' in Internet Explorer. This is good to do regularly.

How to Clear a Browser's Cache on a PC
A full cache can slow down your browser. Be sure to empty it regularly.
Internet Explorer Version 5
Instructions
STEP 1: Select Internet Options from the Tools menu. STEP 2: Click on General tab.
STEP 3: Click on Delete Files. STEP 4: Click on OK

PS You can also leave comments at the end of any post which I'd love to read!!

Coping Skills...

A lot of people ask me how do we cope after going through something so stressful as infertility. You try to block it out, but it's always staring you down and I think it's a choice...to be happy or to be miserable despite what you're going through in life. I think that's true for the big barricades in your life as well as the little ones. Everyone has their "cross to bear" as David always says and you take life's challenges and try to squeeze every lesson out of it as possible....the lessons are endless. They are daily. They are there if you want to see them. We have learned SO much about life, ourselves, our faith, our love, our resiliency, our strength through all this and it's a blessing in disguise because we're coming out of this as stronger people and will be better parents because of it.

My friend Colleen asked me how we deal with this struggle and I wrote everything down I could think of as ways to "cope". When times are tough, live harder! These words comfort me when it's a hard day and maybe they'll help you if you're going through something right now where you feel an emptiness wanting to be filled. It could be anything, any worry, any fear, any struggle...anything! Maybe this'll help you too!

Colleen,
I think one thing I've learned about my faith through all this is it evolves and develops when faced with a struggle. I never had to dig deeper than I've ever had to in the last 3 years.

I've created somewhat of a strategy to fill the void....It's been tough. It sucks. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I stuff it. I pray. I dream. I wish. I hope. I envision. I envision David holding our baby. I envision a lot. I let go. I enjoy life. I exercise. I nap. I snuggle. I laugh a lot. I have fun. I enjoy freedom. I listen to music. I read. I fill up myself. I pray. I love. I love hard. I hold onto the feeling of elation we had being pg from 8/26/05-9/15/05. I lean on real friends. I lean on family. I lean on David. I lean on God. I need people. I let people in. I'm an open book. I'm vulnerable. I'm different. I'm calmer. Im peaceful. I'm stronger. I'm a better person for all of this. I break. I bounce back. I strengthen. I avoid drama. I avoid petty fights. I don't sweat the small stuff. I'm inspired by people. I have bad days. I have more better days. For that, I'm forever grateful bc I can pass that on to Baby Hutcheson(s) and that is where faith and the lessons come from.

I went through many stages starting with feeling victimized which is the hardest, most unproductive stage and I've finally come to acceptance and honored that He thinks we're strong enough to face this challenge. Whatever road we go down, we know we have so much support from our friends, family and from God!

It's fulfilling to know we'll be ok no matter what road we choose. The hardest part is not worrying. I try everything in my power NOT TO FAST FORWARD through all this and the movie "Click" really helped me understand the road there will be a blip on my screen of life, but strengthens me in the process to be there for someone else going through it ......and helps David and I hold on to each other just a little tighter everyday! I can feel the grip tightening as we go through this and I try to focus on that part. I also credit my family for raising me to prepare me for this challenge in life. I feel like my whole life they filled me up, they kept filling until they couldnt stop. They taught me everything they could and let me fly and I'm going to make them proud.



"Live, love, laugh"....it's a basic concept, but powerful to relish in the rewards of doing it!! :)
XOXOXOXOXO

Telling My 2nd Family!!

I'm telling everyone at school and it's neat to hear all the well wishes, prayers, etc. I'm so lucky to work at a school where the people here are like family! They all rally around good news and it's like they're going through it as well. I never feel alone!! I like that I have a month of BCP to let this all sink in and start off the new year with a bang!! The nurse at school says she can give shots to me if David is out of town....oh, the shots!! My brain can't wrap around that yet, but I have time still. Thanks for caring!! :)

I'm Going to Be On What? BIRTH CONTROL??????????

It's a done, done deal! We're doing IVF!!!! After 3 years of trying to conceive, I am now taking birth control(BC)?? It's funny to think that's what they do to start the IVF process, but it's to suppress my hormones to start with a clean slate when the injections begin. I'm on BC for a month and then I'll start the big scary shots on 1/4/07! Oh, those injections! I'm so terrified of needles and the idea that my sweet hubbie is going to puncture my skin with a needle is more than I can wrap my brain around!! OMG! 1-4-07!!! That seems like right around the corner, but we're just taking day by day. I keep thinking of Baby Hutcheson and it makes any mental pain DISAPPEAR and well worth it!!

I got good news from Dr. Maxson's office today that a lot (not all) of the monitoring can be done here in Naples about 5 minutes away from our house!! Better than a 120 minute drive to his office every other day which will probably be what is needed. I'm going to talk to Dr. Chapman tomorrow about all this and I know she'll be SO incredibly supportive bc she already knows we're seriously considering this so now she'll know we're committed

David called his parents and told them the big news last night and I'm starting to tell my friends and everyone is just soooooo incredibly supportive! We're both so humbled by all of this!! We are so blessed in so many ways to have all of these people holding us up through this "journey". I hope everyone can hold Baby Hutcheson(s) in their arms to be rewarded for all their love and support!!

Here's a great site that explains the steps in IVF:
http://www.rscbayarea.com/articles/ivfvsgif.html

Telling the Family!

We told the family about our plans to move forward with IVF and they're reactions were just what we needed! There were gasps, tears, hugs, well wishes, congratulations, and just a lot of love! Just perfect!! They are just the best!

We gave them each a petri dish and wrote this little poem:

We need your support,
We need your love.
We’re trying something different
To get our gift from above.

We love you so much
And couldn’t do this alone.
We may need a hug or cry
Or call you on the phone.

We’re taking a big step
And need you to pray.
We feel that doing IVF
Is our only way.

It’s just around the corner
The new year 2007
We’ll give it our all
To get our miracle from heaven

We Love You!
K&D

We have an appt tomorrow at 10:30 to go over the protocol for the next 2-3 months. I'll post when I know more - this does help writing all my thoughts and feelings.
If you're looking into IVF, here's a great website to order a video that follows 3 couples going through IVF... www.technostorks.com - Most of our support system has seen it so it helps them to understand the process as well. Here's another website that might touch on how you feel... http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod2.html

I'll post when I know more after our appt tomorrow :)

Waiting for the Next Appointment

I'm writing this blog for many reasons. First, is a selfish reason. I have a lot swirling around in my head and need to wrap my brain around it all and writing seems to help organize my thoughts and articulate what I'm feeling. I slept about 2.5 hours last night because I couldnt shut my mind off so I thought this may help purge some of my thoughts.

Another reason I wanted to do this is for Baby Hutcheson(s) which is the center of every thought, feeling, emotion, mood that I have! I want to document this journey for them so they know how much they are loved already!! I'm using the pronoun "them/they" bc we want more than one child and know the journey to 'them' won't be easy, but it'll happen one day. I walk around with them in my heart, head, and in every cell of my body. I feel like that's all I think about bc I love them so much already and just want to meet them. I know we'll be able to hold them one day and I want to share just how wanted and needed they are in our life!

I also want to help anyone who is going through something like this by documenting EVERY SINGLE step; even if it seems monotonous! I have so many questions swirling around in my head and it REALLY helped reading Justine's maze through infertilty with IVF....she is an online supporter who I don't know, but just stumbled onto her website which gave me the idea too. You can read her blog at: http://justinehark.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_justinehark_archive.html

I'm waiting until we go to our next appt. because it'll be an all day appt where they're going to go over everything in detail. Extreme detail! I wish we could go to dinner with the doc once a week so I could just pick his brain with all the questions, comments, concerns, fears I have about IVF. I wish we were friends. I have so much swirling around in my head that I want to get it out with the doctors and nurses. Once I get my period, we can schedule the appt, but we have to wait until then which should be today or tomorrow.

Here's where we stand and a little background about us if you don't know (I have no idea who I'm writing this to): We've been trying for 3+ years and married for 5 years. We tried to make sure everything was just right before we started trying like buying a bigger house, finishing grad school, save some money so we'd be able to focus on being parents. I still agree with our decision to wait a little bit bc it helped David and I form a strong union as husband and wife in the first 2 years of our marriage. Doctor said I would've had the same problems no matter when we started trying so that made me feel better. It has nothing to do with my age. I have issues with my tubes which blocks everything. I had an ectopic pregnancy and found out on September 13, 2005...absolutely, by far, the most horrible day/moment/experience in my life. I know a lot of people go through far worse, but for me, that was it. It was incredible to be pregnant for 7 weeks so I hold onto that feeling instead of 9/13. I've had the HSG (shoot dye thru my tubes) procedure 2 times and the laparoscopy surgery 2 times and they've found "cobwebs of scar tissue" surrounding my fallopian tubes; not allowing them to move like they need to inside of me.

We've met with 2 fertility specialist and they recommend IVF bc if we get pg naturally, we have a high risk of another ectopic which is dangerous for me. They don't recommend having the surgery again bc they've been in there 2x already and it hasn't done what it's supposed to as of yet. We've had A LOT of bloodwork done in preparation for IVF and I believe we'll discuss my exact medical protocol at the next meeting which should be in a day or two. I took a pg test this morning and it was - so I know we're not pg and going forward with this plan. I believe I'll be on birth control pills(BCP) for 1 month and then IVF will begin. BCP helps them to control my body/cycle and then the shots will start in January from what I can tell. I think we'll tell our family this weekend that we're going forward with this plan. I want to have the appt b4 we tell them, but not sure if that'll happen bc they come in town tonight!! My cousin Bridgid got pg with twins thru IVF and she's coming in town so I think it's perfect time to share the exciting news.

I have so many emotions about it. I'm scared, worried, excited, stressed, hopeful, nervous, consumed, in love, anxious, thirsty for info are just to name a few. I want to have this next appt so we can sound of the starting gun and say "ready, set, go" and do something! Sitting and waiting to take action can feel endless! I feel confident we're making the right decision. David has been a true Godsend throug ALL of this! He is my rock & my soft place to fall at the same time! Baby Hutcheson is so lucky to have him as a daddy one day! I'll post more as thoughts race through my mind! There are plenty!!