Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tough Day

Is there an initiation into motherhood that no one told me about? If so, I think I was initiated today! It was a tough day! I brought Lily to the doctor today because she had a lump on her right jawline. I had her 2 month appt scheduled for next Thursday which D was going to go to, knowing we have lots of questions and she would get shots. Well, I didn't want to wait until next Thursday to get this lump checked out and they couldn't move her 2 month appt up to today so I would just go twice. 2 appts. 2 copays. Not the greatest scenario, but peace of mind is priceless. I wasn't terribly worried about it, but didn't want to wait that long.

Doctor checked it out and didn't say "oh, that's nothing" like I expected him to say. He kept feeling, comparing, rubbing, not saying much and then says "hmmm" to himself. It's never good when a dr says "hmm".

Eyes welling up with tears and he hasn't even said anything yet.

He goes on to say that he finds lumps on babies all of the time and tells the parents it's nothing and sends them on his way. But, he couldnt say that to me. Tears dripping down my cheeks at this point. He was expecting it to be a swollen lymph node, but doesn't think it is because of it's "hard mass". I dont like the way this is going. I'm more focused on holding back the tears than what he is saying. I dont want him to see me cry and get distracted. He's talking, but it's like I hearCharlie Brown's teacher because I can't process what he is saying. My lone granola bar and 16oz water bottle is quickly fading and I'm feeling weak.

He goes on to tell me that we need to get it checked out right away and goes over the "could bes" and it's more than I can handle. Some are no big deal and some are big deals. He's trying to hold back the worst case scenario details, but I keep pressing. He tiptoes around my questions and I can tell he's holding back. That makes me nervous because I can tell he's concerned. Or maybe I'm just displacing my worry onto him. I want to grab Lily and run out of the office and hide in a cave where nothing can hurt her. I'm stuck in the little room. I can't escape.

He orders a sonogram for her and fear sets in. Real fear. Worse case scenarios are running through my brain and I can't stop them. I look at Lily differently and with so much more love and compassion at this moment.

Nice Nurse Stacy comes in and says they can do her 2 month physical today so I dont have 2 copays. Great news!! Except D is not there to help ask questions and hold Lily's hand through the shots. I make the decision to go through with it and it was tough. She's growing well and all is well in every department, but then the shots come. The nice nurse asks me to love on her and warns me, "she'll probably cry harder than you're used to" which I kinda don't believe because I've heard Lily wail. She's had a few shots before and her tears were manageable. Well, I was not prepared for this!! Me, being in an already extremely fragile state, Lily gets the shots (that I can't watch) and she wails like I've never heard before. I didn't even recognize the noises and faces she was making. We were both crying and trying to comfort each other.

The nurse notices my sad state and asks if I'm ok and I confess that I'm not and worried about the results of the sonogram that may take up to a day or 2 to come back. Being the heroic nurse that she is, she asks the front desk to make the appt for asap so I dont have to wait too long for the results. I was dreading the weekend hoping I didn't have to sit and stew all weekend waiting.

She comes back with they can take me downtown in one hour. Knowing Lily is just about to want to eat, I take the appointment, wipe away the tears and race downtown. On the way I'm crying calling mom and David telling them about the appt through tears as they try to calm me down. Did I mention I'm pumping while I'm driving because I'm becoming engorged. I was using the hands free pumping bra so don't worry. What a sight. Then Lily starts crying in the backseat from being hungry and pain from the shots. It was a long 30 minute drive. Felt like 2 hours!! I get to the hospital downtown, park in the wrong parking lot and have to walk/jog/skip what seems like a mile to get to the right office. We finally get settled in the waiting room and I start to feed Lily when they call for her. She's not happy. She's hungry and just wants to snuggle. I'm a nervous wreck trying to stay composed.

I lay her down on a huge table made for pregnant women getting an ultrasound and it doesn't go much better from there. They squirt the ultrasound gel (dont know if it was the warming gel) on to the probe and start rubbing it on her entire jawline to compare both sides. She's flailing all over the place so there is gel all over her red face. It's such a sad state. The technician is used to scanning large bellies and not a 22 inch newborn. Lily is such a calm baby and it hurt every part of my body to see her so upset. The technician can't tell me anything and said she wants to bring in the radiologist. I dont know if that's good news or not. He comes in, scans her flailing, gel soaked face and talks low and in code to the technician. I'm trying to read faces. I was brought back to the 2 miscarriages when we were getting the ultrasound with quiet whispers, worried faces.

The radiologist sees my tear stained face and says it is an internal hemangioma. I look at him confused like he's talking greek and he explains that she has many of them on the outside of her body and this one is just internal. Hemangioma is a big word for a birth mark. I knew she had them as they are visible and Dr. W told me what they are called. She has a large one on her head, one on the back of her left arm in the shape of a heart, one small one below her eye, and one medium sized on her back. They are harmless, will grow for about a year, then flatten and be just part of who she is. Kelle said that birthmarks are kisses babies' receive in heaven which I totally believe. After looking at Lily, it looks like she was mauled up in heaven with hugs, kisses, and lots of love. This is the best case scenario for this lump and what Dr. W expected it to be, but wanted to be sure.

Here's more info about hemangiomas:

I want to hug the technician and radiologist, but realize they'll think I'm a freak so I change my mind. So relieved I got the results right away and didn't have to wait a day or 2. I felt my entire body relax and felt like I was going to pass out from relief and the fact that it was 2pm and I still only had a granola bar and 16oz of water in my system. I never do that so my body didn't know what to do.

Nerves are fried. Thanking God up and down and all around town.

I call David and mom to tell them the good news and drive home with a tearful baby feeling the effects from the shots, but am just so happy she's ok and feel so much closer to her after riding the roller coaster for 3 hours with her. I get home, devoured a turkey wrap from LuLu B's and try to console Lily after the rough day she's had. She's not herself right now and very teary, but she's healthy. She's ok. I love her even more because of it. If she needs some extra snuggles right now that is fine with me. I need them too.

I dont think I was initiated into motherhood today. I think I was a victim of hazing and need to report it immediately. tee hee

Here's the post that was originally here and I just wrote this update:

Enjoy her!! I know I am a little more today!!

I'll give you one guess who took these pictures!!!?? I'll give you a hint...her name ryhmes with "jelly" and I didn't take them!! lol.

Warning: your monitor may melt from the cuteness factor!!

Thanks for all the sweet comments about our Lily Grace! Lily will someday read these comments on the blog and know how loved she is!! I don't think she'll have self esteem issues!! lol.

Kelle has a way of capturing her beauty inside and out for far away relatives and friends to see and we are forever grateful for that gift!! (oh, darn I gave away the answer)

Lily REALLY is just as sweet on the inside!!

This makes me want to go do a load of laundry! (or not)

This is an actual "BABY CARRIAGE" for a play baby doll!! Lily fit in it and looked oh so precious!!

How are we so blessed?

To see more of this awesome photo shoot, check this album out!

Life is good with Lily in it!!



Tisha said...

so I should be working, but Lily is too addicting! The first pic against the cherry backdrop is just - LOVE! Her eyes are say - I love my mommy!

Kelle said...

Big tears welling...especially after praying for her this morning.
So happy. You are so sweet and complimentary to mention me, but it's HER that makes these pictures beautiful. And I should know...I take pics of lots of babies! Lily is special! I think that cherry pic makes her look SO beautiful...and I have no idea how to choose a favorite...I still love her oh face pic, but I love the one with the wooly cap too...I just love HER...and you!

Heidi said...

Those pictures are precious and OH SO BEAUTIFUL! She is beautiful, as much on the inside as she is on the outside. Her heart is beautiful just like her mommy's:)
She is perfect in every way and you are truly blessed. xoxo

Carin said...

crying now...I prayed immediately when I got the call.

yes, those are kiss marks, fresh from heaven. I believe it, too.

love you.

Rayna said...

Kelly and Lily,
So glad that everything went well and she has just more kisses from up above. Chalk today up as making you a stronger mommy! I've been there when we had to take AJ to ER. You feel helpless and want to take it all away. There is too much love for anything to ever happen to Lily Grace. xoxo

jen said...

you really put it in thoughtful words how hard those first few shots and scares are. when people have asked, i've always described those first shots as a sudden realization that people aren't always nice. poor girly girl and mama. i'm so glad to hear that everything is alright.

Unknown said...

SOOOOO Glad Lily Pie is healthy!!! I am so sorry you had to go through all that. HOW SCARY!!! Love you girls! xoxo

Tisha said...

Aw Kelly, I am so sorry you and lily had a bad day. I started praying as soon as I started reading. I'm so glad everything is fine. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie I'm so happy Lily is ok and the radiolist was right there to read the results and thank goodness for such wonderful results - phew I was so scared. I've seen those birthmarks before and they really do get reabsorbed eventually. I've never heard of them on the inside but that sure is the best case...I just want to give her the biggest cheek hug (something my kids and I do) and breathe in her sweetness. Stevie needed hip u/s's as a newborn and Gwen needed a chest x-ray also as a newborn so I remember the fear as I held them close and had to run across the busy street in Allentown to the hospital...I hope you're ok now - hugs!! I think mom needs the extra hugs now rather than Lily because I bet she totally forgot any pain she felt or the frustration of being held down for the u/s as soon as she was back in mommy's arms!
Love ya!

Jessica said...

Oh wow sweetie!! :( What a tough day for you!!! You had me so nervous all through your post reading it...thank God everything is Ok with Lily!!! I know what you were going through while watching Lily cry for her first shots...I did the exact same thing through Eli' was a HORRIBLE day. Not looking forward to Chase's in a month... :(

Loving the pictures of Lily...she is so beautiful!!!

HUGS to you for such a tough day!!! It's something we all have to go through and it's never easy!!!

Tonya said...

Oh sweet baby girl!

Mia had a hemangioma too. It is almost gone at 15 months...

Moments like that when you are worried about your babies...oh, the worst torture of all.

I am glad she is ok...

She is lucky to have you as her Mother...



dig this chick said...

So happy that turned out the way it did. Scary huh? Margot was exactly two months old when we raced her to the ER because she stopped breathing. Awful. About killed me.

That picture on the cherry fabric is to die for. Kelle, nice work.

carie said...

so sorry that both of you had such a scary thursday last glad that everything worked out okay! xoxox