Thursday, October 07, 2010

Digitally Nesting...

Seriously, can't stop myself these days. I feel like I'm preparing for a hurricane where Im going to lose all electricity, water and become a shut in. Like someone with 2 kids suddenly you can't leave the house? I remember feeling this same way before Lily was born. I'm busily getting Lily's scrapbook up to date, backing up all her videos, burning them to CD's, learning to actually "coupon" for the first time, packing and repacking the hospital bag, ironing Lily's outfit for the hospital to meet her brother, spending extra time with Lily, analyzing song after song looking for the perfect birth song, hospital favors, cleaning drawers, reorganizing Grady's already organized room, spending 'one last time' with family, friends and thinking, thinking, thinking. I think the reason why we nest is because there are so many emotions that aren't in our control before a baby's arrival that the only way to feel a little more in control is to overly obsess about little details that don't really matter.

At least that's why I think I do.

Lately, I've been watching Lily in a different light; she seems like such a little girl lately with the sentences and hearing how she sees the world in such a beautiful light. And knowing what a big change is heading her way and she has no idea how big even though we all talk about it non.stop. including her...she's showing every sign possible of being 'over the moon' excited about Grady coming and I know she will be, but I guess I worry mostly about the first weeks of settling into this new gig of a family of 4.

I'm hoping she'll be okay through all this and she'll never feel 2nd fiddle. The thought of her little heart hurting over such a beautiful thing makes me physically sick. I feel like I'm having a secret affair on her, loving this other amazing baby she doesnt know, but I feel like I know and love so much already and once Grady is actually here, the affair will become public and the shizzle will hit the fan. Of Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren proportion. Paparazzi everywhere. Then I wonder how I'll give Grady everything he needs at the same time and hoping Grady will never feel 2nd fiddle. My parents had 3 girls and never made anyone play 2nd fiddle. How will I manage it all and still be a good mommy? I don't mean the physical work that goes into mommy'ing, but the emotional side of things. It's easy with just 1 baby because I have 1 heart so it just defaults and goes all to her, but now I have to almost divide and conquer my feelings and meld them into one ball of love. I wonder where my 2nd heart will come from? I need the cardiologist stat. And everyone says your heart grows and expands. I guess I'll have to cancel my cardiologist appt and watch the oozing heart start.

Worry is such a useless emotion. I don't usually consider myself a "worry wart" of sorts, but have been filled with it lately and it's mainly because of the unknown. I want to fast forward through it all and get to the part of the movie where we're going for a walk in the neighborhood and Lily is showing off her baby brother like a proud sister and Grady is happily cooing in the stroller. I want to skip everything in between.

Mainly the birth.

I want to skip that part.

Lily's birth was very traumatic and scary. For everyone in that room. It wasn't a 'push the baby out and snuggle in the striped blanket for hours staring at your newborn miracle' story. It was awful, scary, and the most painful thing I've ever gone through. Not physical pain. There were moments we thought we lost her, but we didn't and I keep reminding myself that. Over and over. It's easy to stuff an experience like that far, far away; which I've done a good job of doing and tried to use it as fuel to love and appreciate Lily even more the last 2.5 years. So going back to that place again is a scary feeling, but I want to skip that part; the labor, the pushing, the hospital stay and the trying to figure it all out process and jump to the finish line where we have it all figured out, but then I realize there are no finish lines in life and we're still trying to figure it out everyday.

But talking about it helps. Crying about it helps. Writing about it helps. Thinking about it helps. Praying about it helps. Not thinking about it helps. Leaning on people helps. Having faith about it helps. Knowing in my heart of hearts everything will go smoothly helps. All of which I've done or felt mulitple times so I'm getting there. I'm trying not to let a past experience taint a brand new one which is going to be beautiful and profound. And a new one.

Whew, I wasn't expecting to write all that, but feel lighter that I did. Thank you for that. Plus I can't see my keyboard anymore through the tears so I need to switch gears. I try to keep this blog upbeat and positive, focusing on all the good and blurring out the yucky stuff. But sometimes it feels a lot better to purge the negative by writing about it and then bring out the positive. Kinda like a nasty, windy, rainstorm and then the rainbow afterwards. And with that, I've been a little busy getting Lily's book up to date.

You know, in case we have a hurricane.

Every time we pass the hospital she says "Lily born dare" after telling her when we were passing it this summer. She had so many questions then and now she sees it and says it every time. Sometimes she'll mention that's where Gravy is gonna come from and sometimes she'll mention God brings babies there. She remembers all the good times from her hospital stay. I think I need to learn from her.

Man, this little girl loves her some daddy.

I don't know who likes hanging with who more?

and what more can I say about these people that hasn't been said a million times...

oh and these pictures. i could eat them i love them so much!

If the doorbell rings, Lily always guesses who it might be. She'll guess everyone under the sun and one day the doorbell rang and she said "Baby Bruda?" like we were going to open the door and there Grady would be sitting in a basket waiting with his stork. If only it could be that easy. lol

oh and the sweet, sweet memories we have of Club Med. That's an edible place too.

If lily hears a toilet flush from here to the Mississippi, you'll be sure when that person walks out of the bathroom, she'll be standing there with a fake M&M that she proudly hands to them. She literally hears a flush from anywhere in the house, stops in her tracks with big eyes, and beelines to the bathroom door to be waiting for the urinator. Hilarious. It's the little things like that I want to put in a memory box and never forget. It's the things that make Lily and her heart so special.

This girl likes to party because she'll say "cheers" for everything. We've cheer'd drinks, forks, food, bread rolls, apples or anything that is the same on our plate. It cracks us up. She makes life so much fun.

Oh and no Lilys were hurt in this suffocation. She kept putting it over her head, saying "wear'd lily doah??" and falling over laughing when she popped out.

She likes to sing happy birthday to everyone and everything. She sings happy birthday to inanimate objects like chairs, tables, windows and you can see her perusing the room looking for something else silly to sing happy birthday to. And she'll laugh harder and harder each time because she knows she's telling a joke and being funny. She cracks herself up. One day she wanted to sing Happy Birthday to Grady and another day she wanted to sing Happy Birthday to God. Be still my heart.

Oh and she likes to feed Grady through my belly button. She'll bring over fake food, lift up my shirt and smoosh it into my belly button. One time she put a real grape in there. Her baby's bottle is a favorite too. Stop the cuteness.

There are SO many emotions swirling around in my little head that I feel like I need ritalin to handle my ADD of feelings. So yea, I'm wound up pretty tight with emotions lately, but I'm starting to slow down in the last day or 2 and feel comfortable through it all and settling those uneasy feelings. Starting to let my faith take the front seat and put the yucky feelings in the backseat. Actually I'm throwing them out the window. I'm running out of steam and feel like my negative tea kettle is losing its whistle. That's a good thing.

So I settle in, savoring these last few days as a family of 3 and look forward to the future thinking about the part of the movie where we're going for a walk around the neighborhood and Lily is showing off her baby brother like a proud sister and Grady is happily cooing in the stroller.

Who needs all that stuff in between? ha

See I made a joke too. Just like Lily. I'm getting there. She teaches me everything I need to know in life. :)

Life is good.


Jennifer said...

oh...the tears are flowing as i write this.

"Don't Give Up" is playing on your blog right now. It is the most painful and magical song I have ever heard for a million reasons.

I can't write more yet. the ugly cry is workin'. jumbled thoughts and I want to get it just right so I can make you feel okay with the coming days so you can soak in the beauty. which i know you will. but it's scary. plus if i don't stop writing right now jordan will be late for high school and he will never get into college.

3 thoughts...

1) you can do this.

2) lily can do this.

3) it's all going to be so beautiful...even the parts before the stoller walk.

promise yes yes.

I love you beyond measure and right here for every single step.


jen said...

all births are not created equal.

or something like that.
stella's was super scary. cora's and finn's hurt. but they weren't scary. you can do it my dear. it's a one-way train ride. there's no getting off now. and why would you want to? the beauty is SO worth the pain and scary unknowns.

all children are not created equal.

or something like that.
they all deal with things differently. and she KNOWS above all else that she is loved. there will not be any room for doubt. because of you- she knows how to love too.

enjoy the beauty that is right now. everything will happen as it should.
and if you need a pep talk. call.

Martina said...

I love your blog. The pictures of your precious family and the way you write about Lily. I have a 2 year old boy and love to read about other little ones . As you we had to go through IVF to get where we are today and I'm so grateful for my little mirracle named Nathan. Love every moment of the whole experience. Congratulations on your new baby and wish you and your family all the best in life.

Jen Biasi said...

Ohhhh, gorgeous girl... So much on your mind!
I figure, every birth is different. In my, albeit blonde, logic, you had a tough time before (and I'm so sorry about that...), so you've got, like, zero chance of that kind of thing happening again and it's all gonna be smooth sailing. Keep your eye on the prize - You WILL be OK. And Grady will be fine. And you'll be holding him in a few days and that is SO EXCITING!!!
Oh, and I'm always so surprised at how well kids adjust. And Lily's such a sweet, well adjusted little thing. She'll do FINE! (Take it from a mom of twins, who at many, many times had to choose who to pick up by deciding who was screaming louder: kids adjust and they bloom and they grow. And you have more than enough love to go around. And siblings ROCK.)
It's going to be wonderful. YOU are wonderful. And we are just so, so happy for you.
(And never, ever ask me for advice on potty training Grady, as I suck. Big time. Our downstairs bathroom is soaken wet thanks to my teaching deficiency and AJ's aim. I'm going to need a full-body decontamination suit to clean it. Wonder if Target carries them...)

Jessica said...

All of your thoughts and emotions make me want to do it all over again! It's just so, so, so, so exciting-even the scary parts! And Lily will never play 2nd fiddle. I don't know why or how, but it just doesn't work like that. It's going to be perfect! Hoping the next post is a "He's Here!" post:)