Saturday, November 10, 2012

Floating Questions

My cell phone is always attached to me which lets me capture little moments of the day which I'm forever grateful for because we'll look back on these miracle people and look in shock in awe of how little they once were.  Life is stressful and beautiful all in the same breath and having these pictures reminds me of all the good while washing away the tantrums and spilled milk moments. Some days there's just milk drops spilled and others I feel covered in milk, but they are all worth it and then some.

I never knew motherhood could be so amazing and emotionally draining and fulfilling all in the same breath.

My brain never seems to sleep with questions and analyzing how I'm doing in this role.  I feel like I got one shot at this and people tell me it flies by so I wanna do all I can to make their childhood magical and the backbone they need to handle life when they get older.   The questions float in and out of my head like clouds, randomly,  as I'm driving or in the shower or about to fall asleep.....Am I doing enough fun things with them?  Do I use incentives or is it just bribery and too much?  

Am I too strict?  Am I too lenient?  Do I expect too much?  Do I not expect enough?  Do I plan enough play dates?  Does Lily share enough? Should Grady know all his colors by now? Does Lily brush her teeth long enough?  Should I be more germ sensitive?

Are these tantrums in frequency (and severity) normal for their age? Should I go to the dr again for Grady's cough? Do they watch too much tv in the car? Am I on my phone too much? Do they do enough crafting?

Are they eating enough fruits and veggies at every meal? Is Lily's messy homework normal for 4 or should she redo it? Do I clean too much while they're awake?  Am I patient enough?  Do I hide my buttons well enough?  Are we laughing enough?  Are we using our imagination enough?  Are we playing enough outside?  Do I realize how vulnerable they are and the responsibility standing at my feet?

Am I instilling kindness in them with our talks, role playing and modeling it for them when I'm friendly at McDonald's drive through?  Do they feel how loved they are when I can't find the words to ever fully articulate it myself? Their love humbles me hourly and they give me so much; how can I possibly return that to them?

Is Lily's nervousness normal?  Are her nightmares normal for 4 years old?   Am I doing enough for her?  What will she be like when she's a teenager?  Will she ever prefer her friends over us?  Everyone says so, but I can't picture it in my wildest imagination. Will she always act like she'd rather be back in my uterus?

Is it normal that Grady screams bloody murder every time he sees a barber 20 miles away?  Is it normal he rips and/or throws books in excitement?  Is he part-alligator?  When will he jump out of his crib again? Does he use his nuk too much? Do we give in too much when he cries? Lily said the other day when I wouldn't give him something he wanted she wanted the crying to stop "Mommy, just give him what he wants.  He's a toddler and you always give a toddler what they want to make them stop crying."  I wonder where she learned that theory?

Every night I walk into their room while they sleep at their ultimate vulnerable state and say a silent prayer over them, sometimes slipping into bed with Lily (who is sleeping like a log sprawled across the bed in any of the 4 corners of her bed) screaming gratitude in my head for them and wish for them to be happy and healthy and pray pray pray like mad that I'm doing enough for them.  I'd jump in the crib with Grady if I could.   

Im constantly asking parents of older kids what they loved they did when their kids were growing and what do they wish they did more of?  My analyzing and constant questioning isn't out of an insecure place because I oddly feel confident in my parenting knowing that my parents gave me a great foundation to pull from; hoping that marinating them in love and being there for them at every turn will  supersede all these silly worries and questions that plague me, but I feel like this window of opportunity to fill them up with all this ooey-gooey goodness is so small, yet so vast that I wanna do all I can before the window closes and I'm watching them through the glass.  People say that the days are long, but the years are short and I know that's true and remember it most when I hear this song the most.

It Wont Be Like This For Long

and if that song didn't pull at every heart string you have in your beating heart, then there's this one

You're Gonna Miss This

Life is good and gooey. (with lots of milk spilled everywhere in the corners)


Anonymous said...

Kelly, your thoughts about your mothering are normal and understandable, but I just want you to know that you are doing a superlative job. From my observations in your interactions with Grady and Lily, I see an amazing way in which you handle them and imbue them with all the love in your being. You and David are being the very best parents any child could want or need. They are very, very lucky and feel an enormous amount of love from you and that will carry them thru life. Those videos brought me tears and, as I have told you so often, you're going to miss this!!

Anonymous said...

By the way, that was Mom. LOL.

Tracy Balderach said...

Will she want to jump back in my uterus? Lol- you are sooo funny....and you are doing a fantastic job with your babies. Every Momma wonders these exact same thoughts! Wait. Every good and self reflecting Momma does anyway- the fact you are even sorting through these detailed thoughts shows how much you love them. Pray like crazy and love on those babies when they are all tucked in at night! Even in their sleep they will feel loved and secure. They are such lucky little people. Love you.

Julie Frizzi said...

Pour it out, Kel. Wow, I am reading this thinking I can remember all those worries, yet they are still there as a parent. You make me laugh and then you amaze me with your writing. Can't wait to come see you soon. xoxo